Rating/content: NC-17 for sex; no spoilers
Word count: ~700
A/N: For delicatale, who wanted Steve treating grocery shopping like a military operation, and somehow it ends in porn.
"Okay, seriously, what the fuck."
Steve doesn't look at him as he tosses a bag of sliced turkey into the cart. "What?"
"I know you're, like, seven feet tall and your strides are bigger than mine anyway, but you're pushing that cart like we're on Supermarket Sweep and the grand prize is a fucking helicopter."
"Stop. walking. so. fast."
"Oh, sorry," says Steve, turning back to the cart.
"Also, give me that list," says Danny, snatching the piece of paper out of Steve's hand. "What is this, a blueprint of the store? Have you mapped out all the best vantage points for scoping out fruit? Background checks on all of the cashiers to see which one will get us out of here fastest?"
"It's a shopping list."
"So why are you squinting at it like it's a ballistics report?"
Steve snatches the list back from him. "I'm not squinting at anything."
"You know, it's funny," says Danny, grabbing a bag of potato chips as they pass by. "Last week when we were at the mall getting Chin a gift for his birthday, you weren't nearly as methodical. What, did the military focus so much on grocery shopping they forgot to teach you about malls?"
"I know how to shop at a mall," says Steve, checking off 'oatmeal' after he puts the box into the cart.
"You looked completely lost. I kept expecting a security guard to come over and ask if you needed help finding your parents."
Steve sighs. "I don't like shopping for gifts, okay? I never know what to get people. I just kind of...walk around until something jumps out at me."
"What exactly were you expecting to jump out at you in the ladies' perfume department? Besides one of those girls with tester bottles."
"Danny, can you just--" Steve holds his hands up in front of him. "--please shut up. Please. For five minutes."
"Oh, I'm sorry, am I breaking your laser focus? Wouldn't want you to get distracted and buy the wrong flavor of jelly."
Steve crosses his arms over his chest. "Okay. Why don't you do the shopping then?"
"With pleasure," says Danny. He reaches for the list, but Steve lifts it out of Danny's reach and starts ripping it up.
"Oh, so now we're playing that game. Haven't had anyone use my height against me in, oh, seven seconds."
"You want to do this your way, go ahead," Steve says, gesturing at the cart.
Danny grabs the handle and starts pushing it forward. "Lemme show you how to get things done."
"Oh, fuck, Steve."
Steve scrapes his teeth over Danny's jaw, his fingers working quickly at the buttons of Danny's trousers. "What do you want?"
Danny tugs uselessly at Steve's t-shirt. "Want you to fuck me."
Steve groans right against Danny's ear. Danny's pants hit the floor, followed by Steve's shirt, and they're both half naked when they fall onto the bed, Steve's weight pinning Danny to the mattress. Danny leans over and yanks open the drawer of the nightstand, fumbling around inside for a minute.
"Where's the lube?" he asks as Steve starts kissing down his chest.
Danny keeps searching for a minute, then falls back against the pillow with an exasperated sigh. "There aren't any condoms either."
"Nope," says Steve, swirling his tongue over a nipple.
"So why didn't you say something earlier!"
Steve shrugs. "They were on the list."
Danny is quiet for a minute, staring up at the ceiling, before he says, "I hate you so fucking much."
Steve tugs Danny's boxers down. "You're the one who was going to show me how it's done."
"You were racing around like it was a timed drill."
"You insisted," says Steve, nuzzling Danny's thighs.
"Like we were going to get a week of scrubbing toilets if we weren't out in five minutes."
"It's okay, we'll keep doing it your way," says Steve, his breath ghosting over Danny's balls, his nose brushing the underside of Danny's cock. Danny rolls his eyes.
"Oh, just shut up and blow me."